Separating with Children – Communication is Key!

In Scotland, there is an underlying preference for separated couples to achieve a ‘clean break’ on divorce.  Whilst that can be relatively easy in terms of the property and financial matters, separating couples who have children will always remain connected.  

There will be many milestones that separated or divorced couples will want to celebrate with their children – nursery graduation, first day of secondary school, passing a driving test, moving out of home and getting married. Having a strong co-parenting relationship will ease tense conversations and awkward moments and result in children benefitting from their parents being able to communicate successfully with one another. 

Five situations in which communication will be required: 

1. Care arrangements

Following a separation, there will need to be careful consideration to and discussion on the future living arrangements of the children.  This will include with which parent they will reside and how and when they will spend time with the other parent. Alternatively, families may choose to operate a ‘bird nesting’ arrangement or operate an equal shared care arrangement whereby the children live with each parent for the same amount of time each week or each month. 

In Scotland, the paramount consideration when making any decision about a child is what is in the child’s best interests.  For living arrangements, that may change as the child grows up and other factors come into play such as before/after school clubs, extra-curricular activities, and any particular needs the child or parent has. 

It can be helpful to use a shared calendar on a co-parenting app (such as OurFamilyWizard) or encourage your child to use stickers on a home calendar, to help them understand when and for how many nights they will be with a particular parent. 

2. Relationship with extended family

Notwithstanding a separation, children should have the opportunity to continue spending time with their extended family.  There is a wealth of benefits which can be gained from regular and meaningful contact with siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles, and grandparents. 

Ideally, both parents should actively work together to ensure their children can maintain strong, positive relationships with their wider family network. This may include facilitating communication and visits with extended family and discouraging negative talk about either parent.  

3. Holidays

In Scotland, if a parent wishes to take their child abroad for the purpose of a holiday, they need the consent of anyone else who has parental responsibilities and parental rights in respect of that child.  If consent is not forthcoming, a specific issue order must be sought through the court. The sheriff will require to consider what is in the child's best interests before making a determination. 

Once a trip has been booked, flight and accommodation details and emergency contact numbers should be shared with the 'staying behind' parent, either through email, text or via a co-parenting app. 

4. Medical matters

Situations can arise when there is a disagreement between parents as to whether a child should undergo medical treatment or whether a child should be vaccinated.  If a child is unable to consent to their own medical treatment, parental consent will be required.  This stems from a parent’s responsibility to promote their child's health, development and welfare.   

Parents have a duty to consult with one another on major decisions affecting their child and both points of view are equally important.  Again, if there is no agreement, an application can be made to the court.  Evidence from medical experts may be required.  The court action is likely to be fraught with only one party "succeeding" on what could be a life-changing decision for all involved. 

Again, co-parenting apps can assist with the storage and sharing of important medical details.  It can also cover less vital, but still important matters such as a child’s height, weight and shoe size.   

5. Financial support

Parents have an obligation to financially support their children and, in Scotland, the Child Maintenance Service is the relevant regulatory body.  The ideal is that parents can discuss and agree directly between them an appropriate monthly figure for maintenance, using the CMS online calculator as a guide if required. 

Money is always a sensitive topic but being open about earnings and working with the other parent to ensure that the children’s financial needs are met will benefit everyone involved. 

There are many steps that separating couples can take to prioritise a strong and successful co-parenting relationship.  This may be to utilise alternative methods of dispute resolution such as mediation or collaboration.  They may also consider using co-parenting apps, such as OurFamilyWizard, which provide a central, neutral platform for communication and organisation. 

Taking any of these steps can reduce conflict, increase transparency and promote child-focused interactions