New Partners and Co-Parenting: Building Working Relationships
When a new partner enters your children’s lives, it can change your family’s structure, dynamics, and daily routines. To find a positive way to approach blended family co-parenting, consider these suggestions from four family therapy and family law professionals.
Some of these guidelines come from our e-book resource, The Interactive Blended Family Blueprint: How-To’s, Checklists, & Worksheets. Download it for more practical advice as well as interactive opportunities to strategize your approach.
A new partner entering the picture is a big deal for you, too. No matter how long you have been separated or divorced, it can feel painful or frustrating when your former spouse gets a new partner. It’s also tough to have a new partner but continue seeing and communicating with your former partner. It’s also tough to be the new partner!
These guidelines—for all three of you—will help you keep a healthy mindset and a sense of stability as your families blend.
Everyone: Let the original parent take the lead
If you’re the stepparent, follow your partner’s lead, especially at the beginning. “You play a supportive role—to both parents,” explains Natalie Baird-King, a family law attorney and Florida Supreme Court certified mediator. “This helps ease tension and sets up a strong support system for the kids.”
If you’re the parent, try to foster that dynamic.
But following the parent’s lead doesn’t mean the stepparent isn’t involved in the kids’ lives. As the stepparent, you might feel more comfortable and confident if you and your partner have outlined concrete ways you can participate in family life.
Co-parents: View new partners as bonuses
You and your co-parent will always be your child's parents. But as new partners grow closer to your child and become more involved in the daily routine, they will likely find a place in your child's heart. As difficult as that sounds, new partners can play a decisive and positive role in your child's life, and that can truly be a bonus for your family.
Not everyone likes using the terms “bonus child” or “bonus mom,” and it’s up to every family to choose the language that feels right for them. But the concept is solid: In a healthy blended family, having another parent makes things better, not worse.
It takes a village to raise a child—and stepparents become part of the child’s village. If you’re the parent, invite your partner to play a role in the support system. If you’re the stepparent, enthusiastically join in.
Stepparents: Be a positive presence in your stepchild’s life
“Stepparents should think of themselves as important other adults who are family members,” says Dr. Katrina Kuzyszyn-Jones, “such as an aunt or uncle.” Dr. Kuzyszyn-Jones is a forensic psychologist, qualified clinical supervisor, mediator, and child specialist.
If you’re a new stepparent, “You’re a trusted adult,” says Dr. Tara Egan, a licensed clinical mental health counselor and D.Ed. “You’re a caretaker. If the neighbor kid skinned his knee or said he was hungry, you would give him a Band-Aid or a snack. But you wouldn’t criticize his grades or tell him to clean his room.”
Of course, these dynamics might morph over time. As you build stronger relationships with your stepkids, you might be able to slowly step into a bigger parenting role.
Everyone: Identify specific ways the new partner can help
This could include daily duties or assistance as needed. As the stepparent, maybe you manage school drop-offs every day, or maybe you just handle them when your partner has an early meeting.
Parents, lean into your partner’s strengths: “Find out what skillset your non-bioparents are good at,” says Mercy Roberg, family law attorney, “and let them be the expert. If someone’s a teacher, then I advise my client, ‘Let’s listen to the educational goals of the teacher [step]parent.’”
“For both of you, approach the issue thoughtfully,” Dr. Tara Egan says: “As the stepparent, you can’t care more about an issue than the biological parent [or adoptive parent]. If the child gets a low math grade but the bioparents are fine with it, don’t get on the child about homework. Don’t tell your partner, ‘Demi’s C is so disappointing, don’t you care?’
“But it’s usually ok to suggest, ‘I’m really good at math, do you think it would be a good idea if I offer to help her a little bit?’ If the bioparent agrees, make sure they introduce the idea—then the kid knows the parenting team is supportive.”
This approach is different from telling your partner how to parent. Instead, you’re offering to do things you don’t mind doing. “Hey, do you want me to take that off your plate?”
Co-parents: Tolerate affection towards the new partner
It can be hard to realize that your child feels affectionate towards your co-parent's new partner. But don't discourage your child's affection for these new partners, as that only puts an unfair burden on your child.
If this person has your child's best interest at heart, then support this positive relationship. It's great for your child to have plenty of healthy support systems in their life, especially when you aren't directly there with them.
Even if you feel like the new partner doesn’t have your child’s best interests at heart, handling the situation calmly will help the new partner feel less threatened, giving them more space to care and bond. It will also limit stress on your child in a difficult time. (Of course, if you have a safety concern, report it right away.)
Co-parents: Address parenting matters as a family
The new partner may play a significant role as a caregiver for your child. You may find yourselves truly becoming a blended family. Although that’s easier in a lot of ways, it can also get more complicated when it comes to making decisions. Maintaining clear expectations is key.
The bottom-line responsibility of making important decisions about your child's upbringing stays between the two parents, but the new partner could play a role in this process. New partners can provide constructive commentary and add insight—and that can help you and your co-parent make the best decisions possible, especially if the new partner has been part of your child's life for a significant amount of time.
If you and your co-parent reach a decision separately, be sure to inform your partner right away so that they are aware and can help uphold the decision.
Everyone: Treat each other with respect
Co-parenting should be seen as a partnership, not an ongoing battle. Everyone, whether they’re an original parent or a stepparent, should keep your child's needs at heart. Unless something happens that tells you otherwise, assume that your co-parent and their new partner are on that same page.
Even if your co-parent's new partner isn't your favorite person, speak politely about them when you're around your child. It can be confusing for children to hear you criticize their other parent's partner, making them feel like they should choose sides or like they don't have to listen to the new partner.
As far as possible, be cordial and kind when it comes to both your co-parent and their new partner. If you have serious concerns about the new partner’s presence in your child’s life, you may want to speak with a family law or mental health professional.
Blending families thoughtfully and proactively
When a new partner enters the co-parenting picture, it can create challenges—but it can also be helpful for your whole family. If these bonus moms and dads willingly dedicate their time and energy to caring for your children, then your children are in a good spot.
