Holidays, Schedule Change Requests, and Half-Days, Oh My!
Holiday parenting time exchanges go most smoothly when you and your co-parent agree on dates, times, and exchange locations in writing well ahead of time. Coordinating parenting time over holidays and no-school days can be tricky, but many of these worries can be headed off with early planning, a willingness to compromise, and the right co-parenting tools. This guide covers the exchange itself, like timing and comfort items, plus how to plan ahead and handle trades or disagreements.
What happens during a holiday parenting time exchange
A smooth holiday exchange is short and calm, and it's timed around your child's day. The few minutes at pick-up or drop-off set the tone for your child's time in the other home. The steps below walk through the exchange from start to finish.
Pick an exchange time that fits your child's holiday
Schedule the exchange at a natural pause in the day, such as after gifts are opened or once the holiday meal is over. Peta Kerr, a parent coach, parenting coordinator, and founder of Passcode to Parenting, suggests parents ask in an interview with OurFamilyWizard: "Are they being asked to leave presents, grandparents, cousins, or a meal halfway through because it's time to transition?"
If Maya would have to leave her cousins mid-dinner for a 5 p.m. exchange, moving the exchange to 7 p.m., or alternating the whole day, may work better. Count the drive as part of the exchange time, too. Make sure your child has eaten before you leave, so a hungry car ride doesn't start the visit on the wrong foot.
Pack comfort items for the trip between homes
For babies, toddlers, and preschoolers, ZERO TO THREE suggests letting a special blanket, stuffed animal, or toy travel with them from one home to the other. If Liam sleeps with the same stuffed dog every night, pack it in his bag.
Holidays add a few extras to the bag. Let your child bring a new gift to show the other home. Pack the bag the night before so nothing gets left behind in the holiday rush.
Keep the exchange calm and brief
A Missouri family court's child-friendly exchange handbook puts it simply: Exchanges are not the time to discuss business with each other. Keep your goodbye warm and short. You might say, "Have a great time at Mom's. I can't wait to hear about it." Save scheduling questions for a message afterward.
Your reaction at the door tells your child how to feel about leaving. Michelle Minette, a family court empowerment coach, psycho-legal educator, and behavioral analysis specialist with more than two decades of experience, said in an interview with OurFamilyWizard: "Children should never feel that enjoying a holiday with one parent means they’re hurting the other."
Keep messages between the adults, too. The same handbook warns that using your child to carry messages during exchanges pulls them into the conflict between parents.
Choose a neutral exchange spot if tension runs high
If exchanges at the front door tend to turn tense, a neutral spot can lower the temperature. If your co-parent starts arguing about gifts in the driveway, end it calmly: "Let's talk about it in a message." Then buckle the kids in and go.
The Missouri handbook notes that school and child care centers can make good exchange locations because people trained to look after children are present. If your parenting plan or court order names an exchange spot, use that one.
Check-ins, part of the OurFamilyWizard app, let you create a record of your location at a specific time, which can help if arrival times become a point of dispute. If you have safety concerns about exchanges, talk to your family law attorney about your options.
Help your child settle in after the exchange
ZERO TO THREE notes that young children often cry or tantrum as they move from one parent's home to the other, so a rocky first hour is common. Name the feeling, then return to a familiar routine. You might say, "You miss Dad right now. Let's read our bedtime book."
Our guide explains more ways to make transitions easier for your child (and for you!).
How to plan holiday parenting time exchanges ahead of time
Holiday exchanges cause the least stress when you and your co-parent settle dates, times, and exchange locations months ahead. Holidays should not sneak up on parents because you can anticipate their exact dates years in advance. But some may delay solidifying holiday plans until they’re looming right around the corner.
The thought of holidays alone can awaken tension between even the most amicable of co-parents. If you’re having trouble motivating yourself to start planning for the holidays, consider the following.
Start planning holiday exchanges months in advance
Planning months out may seem tedious, but doing so will relieve much of the stress from the process as a holiday draws nearer. Consider a rotating plan for holidays so that the schedule is predictable for your family.
While a rotating plan may not quell all of the emotions that tend to arise with holidays, it will help to ensure that your children see both of their parents over holidays on a regular basis. Then if any of your plans end up changing, you’ll only be dealing with those changes in particular, rather than in addition to other scheduling needs surrounding holiday exchange times.
Factor in extended family traditions
When families go through a divorce or separation, your children’s relationships with their extended family members may be affected as well. Where play-dates between cousins were easily scheduled previously, now you must account for which parent the child is with before connecting with extended family.
If you know that your co-parent’s family often has a big shindig for a specific holiday, where yours may choose a different holiday for their big get-together, consider factoring that into your decision while planning holidays.
Keeping those traditions in place can give kids a sense of continuity. Minette explains: "For example, if one side of the family traditionally celebrated Christmas Eve and the other Christmas Day, maintaining that arrangement may provide a sense of continuity."
Decide whether to split or alternate a holiday
There is no single right way to divide a holiday, so start with the options. "There are lots of ways to divide Christmas, and there isn't one schedule that's best for every family," says Kerr. You can alternate the whole holiday each year, divide the eve and the day, split the day itself, or hold 2 separate celebrations so kids aren’t moving between homes mid-holiday.
If you plan far in advance, you even give yourself the opportunity to split the day (or long weekend) itself.
Some holidays give your children quite a bit of time away from school, so it’s possible that you and your co-parent can both spend time with your children on a special day. These types of arrangements are best solidified early since they require special attention to location distances and transportation needs.
When you weigh the options, think about how the day will feel for your kids, including how much driving it involves and whether they’d have to leave a meal or presents halfway through. "Equal time isn't always the same thing as a child-centered schedule," Kerr says. For a full comparison, read our guide to alternating or splitting holidays.
Once you and your co-parent have agreed on a holiday schedule for the year, be sure to make note of those decisions in a shared parenting calendar. Make sure all dates and times are accurate and agreed upon.
Share the schedule with your children as well so that they are familiar with their routine for upcoming holidays and can voice any questions. Older children may understand your schedule by reviewing the same calendar you use, whereas younger children may require a little extra support to understand what the plans are. The American Academy of Pediatrics advises that parents living separately agree on consistent rules for both households, and a shared holiday plan is part of that consistency.
How to handle school breaks and half-days in your parenting schedule
Plan half-days and school breaks the same way you plan holidays: Agree on them early. Planned half-days and non-holiday school breaks can be easier for co-parents to plan since they often don’t carry the same emotional weight of many winter holidays. That said, they can still throw a wrench into the workweek for parents.
Your child’s school will most likely provide a fall term schedule in advance of the first day of school. As soon as the schedule is available, you and your co-parent should begin discussing how these days off will be handled. If an extra Friday or Monday off of school happens during your parenting time, but your co-parent’s work schedule can better accommodate watching the kids over weekdays, consider proposing a change to your parenting schedule.
The further in advance these anomalies in your child’s schedule can be handled, the less tension will be added to your co-parenting relationship. Settling these days early also means less tension for your children to pick up on between their parents.
How to request parenting time trades and schedule changes
Whether changes to your parenting schedule can be anticipated or are due to unexpected circumstances, try to handle them with as little conflict as possible in order to come to a solution as quickly as you can. If you know that your schedule cannot accommodate specific dates of your parenting time, alert your co-parent as soon as you are able.
Asking for changes to a parenting schedule can be a fraught topic, so utilizing a system that helps take the narrative out of the equation can help smooth the exchange to a great extent. Keep your request to the basic facts.
Occasional trades can often be handled by agreement, but a lasting change may need a new court order. California Courts' self-help guide, for example, advises getting a new order when things change significantly. If you think a lasting change is necessary in your situation, talk to your family law attorney about next steps.
For example, OurFamilyWizard’s specialized schedule change request form only asks for the following details:
- Dates of proposed change
- Date by which the parent requesting the change needs a response
- Short reason for needed change to schedule
By providing a specific area for these types of request, rather than burying them during exchanges of other information, requests remain clear and easily referenced in the future. Plus, it doesn't open up a long back-and-forth.
It may be tempting to see requests for parenting schedule changes as being tit-for-tat, but parents should try approaching these requests with flexibility and compassion. Last-minute disruptions happen to everyone, and as long as requests are neither overly frequent nor one-sided, co-parents should aim to help each other navigate these deviations from any regularly scheduled time.
What to do when co-parents can't agree on holiday plans
When you can't agree, go back to your parenting plan or court order and settle the biggest traditions once, so you aren't renegotiating every year. "Alternating particularly important traditions from year to year is often much easier on everyone than renegotiating Christmas every December," Kerr says.
If your co-parent turns down your request to swap Thanksgiving and the messages start getting heated, more back-and-forth rarely helps. "If a proposed change begins generating disagreement or tension, the best approach is generally to return to the established plan rather than continue negotiating," Minette says.
A short, neutral message can close the conversation. Minette suggests: "I appreciate that we both tried to make this work. Since we haven’t been able to reach an agreement, let’s follow the parenting plan as it’s written."
Keep the disagreement between you and your co-parent, away from your kids. Your children only need to know what the plans are and what to expect. If conflict stays high, our guide to parallel parenting during the holidays can help each home keep its own traditions.
If you still can't agree, mediation may be an option, and some states require it. In California, for example, parents with a custody court date may have to attend mediation first. Talk to your family law attorney about what applies to you.
Make holiday parenting time exchanges easier for your kids
Holiday parenting time exchanges are easiest on kids when the plan is settled early and the exchange itself stays calm and predictable. Preparing your schedule well in advance can be a daunting task, especially when you’re coordinating with a co-parent. Regardless, co-parents should make a special effort to solidify holiday plans and school schedule anomalies far before they actually happen.
Having a set and concrete schedule will lessen not only your own anxiety but your children’s as well. The American Academy of Pediatrics notes that keeping as many routines as possible helps children through times of change. OurFamilyWizard can help reduce conflict surrounding scheduling, making holiday planning and parenting time trades easier.
Holiday parenting time exchanges FAQ
What should my child bring to a holiday parenting time exchange?
Pack a comfort item, like a favorite blanket or stuffed animal, plus any gifts your child wants to show the other home. It might feel uncomfortable, but kids love showing off their gifts.
Can co-parents swap a holiday in the parenting schedule?
Yes, co-parents can often agree to swap a holiday, as long as the trade is in writing and fits what your parenting plan allows. For a lasting change, talk to your family law attorney about whether you may need a new court order.
Does the holiday schedule override the regular parenting schedule?
Usually, but your parenting plan or court order spells out which schedule takes priority during holiday parenting time exchanges, so check its wording first. If the language is unclear, ask your family law attorney how it may apply to you.
What if a co-parent doesn't return the kids after a holiday?
Check your parenting plan or court order first, and keep a brief, factual record of what happened. Our guide on what to do when kids aren't returned on time covers next steps, and a family law attorney can advise you on your options.
