4 Ways to help your child keep a positive mindset during your separation

I am a Break up & Divorce Coach, working exclusively with individual clients who are going through a divorce or break up, many of whom are worried about the impact of their split on their children. 

When I got divorced myself, 12 years ago, my two children were 3 and 1. I have over a decade of post-split parenting experience with my ex-husband, with all the ups and downs that parenting through and post-divorce brings. 

My clients often ask me how they can best support their children as they split. I always say that you can be the best parent you can be, regardless of what your co-parent does. This article isn’t about co-parenting, which involves both you and your former partner. Instead, my aim is to give you techniques and suggestions that you can use right now to help your children, regardless of what your co-parent is doing. 

I believe that where you lead, your children will follow. If you find yourself dwelling on the negative or talking about how difficult things are, they will follow. One of the main pillars of my coaching is to encourage my clients to shift their focus onto themselves and to take back their power over their thoughts and actions. As a parent, you can encourage your children to do this, too. Try some of these suggestions with your children:

Listen and acknowledge their feelings

Sometimes, your children don’t want you to solve everything for them, and often at this time, you can’t. Sometimes they just want you to listen, to acknowledge, recognise and validate how they are feeling. They want you to give them your love and reassurance that what they are feeling is normal. If you can help your children identify and name their feelings, it will help them to come to terms with them. 

Change the questions you ask in your head

I like to think of my brain as a bit like Google – it answers the questions I ask it. 

When you ask questions like, “why is this so hard?” or, “what did I do to deserve this?”, your brain tries to answer, and there are rarely any helpful answers. Perhaps your children are also asking similar, negative spiral questions?

Instead, you can choose to ask different questions to reframe your situation. Try asking your child:

• If there was one teeny weeny upside to this, what would it be?
• If you could see a silver lining, what would it be?
• What are you glad about today?
• What happened today that cheered you up?
• What can you do now that you couldn’t do before?
• What have you done today that you are proud of?

Stick these questions up around your house on post-it notes so that you remember them when you need them. When you practice asking this sort of question, it becomes a habit, and it gives you a whole new way of approaching any challenge. You could create a list of all the answers and stick that up, too, so that when you next feel down, you can remind yourselves of the upsides and the things you are proud of and glad about. 

Your child might resist and say there is nothing good about this at all, but work to persevere your stance. You might say, “I know it might not be obvious, but just imagine if there was an upside, what would it be?”.  

You could give them examples of your own answers. Perhaps you can now cook with garlic whenever you fancy, or maybe you don’t have to listen to music you don't like anymore. Watch them follow your lead.

Do things together that you enjoy and create new memories

One of my clients told me recently that he didn’t really know what to do with his children on the weekends he spends with them. I asked him what they enjoyed doing together and what they did that made them all laugh. I asked him what his children might say in answer to the same questions.

When he got home, he sat down with his children, a set of colourful pens and a big piece of A3 paper. They created a wish list of things they want to do, places they want to go, things that made them laugh and music they enjoyed listening to. It included things like jumping in puddles, going to sports events and watching a funny movie with popcorn. Once they had created their list, they started to make plans to do the things on it and ticked them off as they did. 

Show them how changing their posture can change how they feel

Have you ever noticed how the way you stand and hold your body can affect how you feel? How people who are confident stand differently to people who aren’t? Have you ever felt low and fed-up, and then done something silly or fun, or jumped up and down or struck a power pose – and immediately felt better? 

Sometimes all that is needed to kickstart a change in mood is to change the way you are standing or moving. It may not seem like the obvious thing to do, and you might resist doing it at first, but I promise it will make a difference. 

Try jumping up and down five times, doing 3-star jumps, or striking a Superman pose. Or, try standing with your arms outstretched and put a massive grin on your face. If you haven’t tried this for yourself, do it now! Notice how you feel when you do. It is difficult to feel sad when you hold your arms out wide and grin. 

Try it with your children. If nothing else, you will have a laugh together – which will send endorphins flowing around your body. 

When you use some of these techniques and tips with your children, you are giving them different options to try, empowering them to process what is happening. You are giving them tools to handle their feelings and to deal with setbacks. These are brilliant lessons for life!