Should Children Have a Voice in Mediation?

When parents separate, they face a wide range of important decisions about their future, a number of which will inevitably shape their children’s day-to-day lives and their ongoing relationship with both parents. 

The answer to the question, 'Should children have a voice in mediation' seems a no-brainer, particularly for older children. However, there is the potential to do more harm than good if their voices are not heard carefully and in the right way.
 

From protection to participation: How views have shifted

Traditionally, children were seen primarily as vulnerable individuals who needed to be protected from adult conflict. It was assumed that:

• Children should be insulated from the emotional strain of separation and divorce 
• Parents were best placed to understand and represent their children’s needs 
• Involving children directly might expose them to unnecessary stress or pressure 

While protection remains important, there has been a significant shift in thinking.

Today, children are increasingly recognised as rights-bearing individuals, with a right to express their views in matters that affect them. This is reflected in the principles of the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child, which emphasises that children should be heard and their views given due weight according to their age and maturity.

This creates an ongoing balancing act in mediation practice: respecting children’s right to be heard while also protecting them from being drawn into parental conflict.
 

Why involve children at all?

Research and practice consistently show that many children want some level of involvement in decisions that affect their lives after separation. Importantly, this does not mean children want to make the final decisions—but rather that they want to be listened to. To have a voice not a choice. 

When done appropriately, including children’s perspectives can have meaningful benefits:

• Children often feel more respected and acknowledged when their views are considered 
• Participation can improve their sense of control during a time of uncertainty 
• It may strengthen parent–child relationships by improving communication and understanding 
• It can act as a protective factor during separation, supporting emotional adjustment 
• Children may develop higher self-esteem when they feel their voice matters 

When children are given access to information and an opportunity to contribute, adults are often better able to understand and incorporate their wishes and needs into decision-making.

However, participation must always be handled sensitively. Children should never feel responsible for outcomes or placed in the middle of parental disagreement.
 

How can children’s views be heard in mediation?

There are different ways to ensure children’s voices are considered in the mediation process, depending on their age, maturity, and family circumstances.

1. Child-Inclusive Mediation (CIM)

Under the FMC code of practice for Family Mediators, all mediators should explain to parents and carers that children aged 10 and above have the right to be offered the opportunity to have their voices heard during mediation, if they wish. 

Child-inclusive mediation is a structured process where a trained, specialist mediator meets with the child separately from the parents. The child is given a safe and confidential space to express their thoughts, feelings, and experiences about the family situation.

The child's participation is voluntary and CIM can only take place where all those with PR consent. 

The mediator does not ask the child to make decisions. Instead, they focus on understanding the child’s perspective. The discussions are completely confidential, respecting the child's right to privacy. The mediator will only relay what the child wants them to but that feedback, even if limited, can help parents make more informed and child-focused decisions. 

Where there are younger siblings, the mediator can consider with the parents whether the younger siblings may want to be involved in some way - this can help to ensure they do not feel excluded and the older child does not feel singled out or responsible for speaking on behalf of their siblings as well. 

CIM is not suitable in every case. It may not be appropriate where:

• There are safeguarding concerns. 
• There is high risk of harm or coercion. 
• A child does not wish to participate.
• The family situation is too emotionally unstable or conflicted for safe engagement. 
• The parents are not emotionally ready to hear and accept the child's view or perspective - particularly if this may differ from what they think the child's view is. 
• A child is too young or lacks the maturity to engage in this type of process.

2. “Bringing the child into the room” metaphorically

Even when children do not directly participate, mediators can still ensure their voices remain central. This is often referred to as “bringing the child into the room”.

In practice, this means:

• Asking questions that refocus discussions on the child’s daily experience.
• Reality-testing proposals by considering how they would feel from the child’s perspective. 
• Encouraging parents to reflect on their child’s routines, emotions, and needs. 
• Helping parents move away from adult positions and toward child-centred outcomes. 

This approach helps ensure that decisions are not made in isolation from the child’s lived experience.

3. Involving other professionals

In some cases, additional support from other professionals can be helpful. This may include:

• Family therapists 
• Co-parenting coaches 
• Child-focused counsellors or practitioners 

These professionals can help parents better understand their child’s emotional needs and improve communication within the family system.
 

4. Supporting parent–child communication

Another important aspect of mediation is helping parents communicate with their children in a supportive and age-appropriate way about what is happening.

This includes:

• Encouraging honest but reassuring conversations 
• Supporting parents to listen to their child without placing them in a decision-making role 
• Helping children feel safe expressing worries, questions, or preferences 
• Reinforcing that both parents continue to love and care for them 

Our Family Wizard enables parents to keep their children informed by creating a child account on the app. Children can view the family calendar and keep track of the arrangements which can help them feel in control. They can also send and receive messages from their parents and create and view journal entries. For older children, having a space to share information with their parents in a way that feels comfortable to them can be beneficial. They cannot view the messages between their parents.
 

Finding the right balance

There is no single approach that works for every family. The key is balance: ensuring children are not burdened with adult responsibility, while also recognising that their voices matter deeply in decisions that shape their lives.

When handled thoughtfully, child-inclusive and child-focused mediation techniques can help separating parents make more informed, compassionate, and sustainable decisions—always with the child’s wellbeing at the centre.