The Ultimate Co-Parenting Guide: Tips & Fundamentals for Healthy Shared Parenting
Parenting is complicated in general, but after a divorce or separation, it can sometimes feel impossible to do it right. This guide covers guidelines for communication, common problems, special cases, and other tips to make co-parenting easier.
We know this guide alone won't make co-parenting easy, but we hope that some of these insights will help make co-parenting less stressful and more rewarding for your whole family.
We’ve pulled together some valuable resources, opinions from experts around the country, and lessons that we’ve gathered throughout our years of working with co-parents. We want to support you as you work to maintain healthy co-parenting in your family.
Defining Co-Parenting
What is co-parenting?
After a divorce or separation, parents are legally still parenting partners. They’re no longer life partners, but they share parenting responsibilities until their child turns 18. That process—parenting the same child, separately—is called co-parenting.
Co-parenting is sometimes referred to as shared parenting or joint parenting.
Friction or conflict between co-parents is normal. But at its best, co-parenting means cooperating with each other, working together as partners in raising their children and considering their best interests. Co-parenting should give children a sense of stability, even if life isn't always perfect.
What does it mean to be a co-parent?
Being a co-parent means that sharing the responsibility of raising your children with a former spouse or partner. When both parents consistently put their children's needs first, they can have a healthy and effective co-parenting partnership.
Is co-parenting a good idea?
Co-parenting is a good idea because it usually isn’t optional. It’s usually very difficult to get sole custody, and that leaves co-parenting as the only option. But parallel parenting, a type of co-parenting, might work best for some families.
Joint custody can be very frustrating for many co-parents. But research shows that spending time with each parent, including overnight visits, is good for a child. It can improve their mental health as well as their relationships with both parents individually.
Parallel parenting might be a more realistic option for some situations. It doesn’t involve any cooperation or collaboration. In parallel parenting, the parents communicate very little, and they each parent their own way on their own time.
This can be difficult for kids if the homes are very different , as we discussed with parenting coordinators Andrea Perlin, Kathy Lucas, and Shana Duehring. Still, in some very high-conflict situations, it is the best way to shield the kids from conflict.
Sometimes, safety is an issue. If you are unable to maintain a safe relationship with your co-parent, or you feel your child's safety is at risk while they’re with their other parent, you should speak to a legal professional who can evaluate your situation and offer expert guidance on how to protect yourself and your child.
What is normal co-parenting?
Because there are no “normal” families, there really is no “normal” version of co-parenting. Many co-parents find a collaborative, cooperative system that functions well for their family. Many others experience conflict, which can cause problems for the parents and children.
In any situation, the best you can do is keep your mindset focused on the wellbeing of your children. That means working towards a long-term, healthy co-parenting arrangement.
Co-parenting will look different for different families, but a foundation of respect and cooperation is crucial to healthy, successful co-parenting.
And keep in mind, it’s more of a marathon than a sprint. It’s ok to reassess your co-parenting relationship over the years, instead of forcing one arrangement to work forever. You might need to adjust your arrangement to fit the needs of your children at different points in their life.
Co-parenting is complicated. But these guidelines can help simplify it.
What should a co-parent not do?
Co-parenting is complicated, but avoiding these common mistakes is pretty straightforward. For a longer list, check out our article on common parenting mistakes after divorce by Elle Barr, guardian ad litem. These mistakes that are easy to fall into, but it’s totally possible to avoid them.
Don’t trash-talk your co-parent in front of the kids
The biggest pitfall to avoid is arguing around the kids. This conflict is considered a type of childhood trauma (officially an ACE, an adverse childhood experience). So avoid badmouthing your co-parent (saying bad things about them to your kids).
Badmouthing your co-parent is tremendously damaging and puts a lot of pressure on the kids.
Don’t try to make things perfect
When you’re new to co-parenting, you might be concerned about handling every situation perfectly. The truth is that it will take time for your whole family to get used to this new arrangement. Don't get too bogged down on perfection.
Instead, focus on loving your kids and treating your co-parent with respect. If you can maintain a cordial relationship with your co-parent, your overall co-parenting experience will be more positive.
Don’t let your stress levels get out of control
It’s easy to let your co-parenting stress show around the kids. The stress can feel constant and pervasive. But children already experience tremendous stress when their parents get divorced. It’s unhealthy for them to have to handle your stress, too.
Parental stress can even lead to kids having behavioral problems at home and at school. And over-sharing your stress with your child can lead to parentification, as explained by three therapists.
Consider going to therapy to learn new stress-relief techniques. Plus then you’ll have someone to listen when you need to vent your darkest feelings.
Don’t parentify your child
Parentification means treating your child as an adult. If a child has to hear or manage adult emotions, responsibilities, or information, it puts a burden on that child that they’re not developmentally prepared for. It can actually stunt their development.
Some examples would include sharing the details of your financial struggles, telling your child how much pain the divorce has caused, or asking your child to watch their younger siblings for frequent and significant amounts of time.
Don’t use your child as a messenger
Co-parents should never use their children as messengers. It can have negative consequences for your child's emotional and mental health. For one thing, it means your child has to handle your co-parent’s negative responses, and that isn’t fair to them.
Instead, look for a communication solution that doesn't put your children in the middle.
Don’t ask your child to take sides.
It’s natural for a child to love both parents—and it’s crucial to their mental health, too. So don’t influence or encourage your child to pick one parent that they love most.
What is the best way to co-parent?
Every co-parenting situation is different, but there are many positive co-parenting strategies that can help you keep your situation manageable. In our tips for positive co-parenting, we explore those strategies. Here are the top two tips from the article.
Tip #1: Your Children's Needs Come First
Whatever your issues are with your co-parent, always put your children’s wellbeing front and center.
Divorcing parents often say this is the hardest thing to remember—no matter how much they love their children—especially if the divorce is messy. It’s easy to get caught up in your overwhelming and painful emotions.
But prioritizing your children’s security and stability is key to a healthy divorce. Do whatever it takes to put your child first, even if this means working with a family therapist. They can help you and your co-parent focus on what is best for the children, despite past marital issues that sometimes heat up the discussion.
Tip #2: Communicate effectively
One of the first steps in co-parenting is finding an effective communication strategy that works for your family. That means being realistic about your own strengths and limitations.
If one or both of you are too angry or upset to talk calmly, then face-to-face discussions might not be wise. Consider using another, less emotional means for sharing information about the children—like a co-parenting app.
Whatever you decide to do, keep open lines of communication about your children. Don’t shut down these conversations to punish your co-parent. Not sharing information regarding the children hurts the children. Plus, it doesn’t set a good example when they see adults using the silent treatment as a weapon against each other.
For more positive co-parenting content, the OurFamilyWizard blog offers an extensive library of content that will help you through your co-parenting journey. You can always find our latest blogs here and subscribe to our newsletter.
Co-parenting communication should always be strictly about the kids. It’s important to share relevant details, from grades to injuries to school schedules. Listen thoughtfully when your co-parent communicates. And instead of responding right way, give yourself a moment to process.
Effective communication is a key aspect of positive co-parenting. Here are some tips to help.
Communicate in writing: If you have a high-conflict co-parenting situation, this is crucial. Communicating through a co-parenting app helps calm conflict, and it makes sure everything is on the record. That record can be useful in therapy, in mediation, and in court.
Share important details: This includes everything from your children’s schedules to their important medical details. When you keep up-to-date information in a place you can both access, then you and your co-parent don’t have to keep asking each other for information all the time.
Let go of assumptions: Give your co-parent the chance to share their ideas—and don’t jump to conclusions immediately. If something they’re saying isn’t clear, ask questions to help you understand.
Listen thoughtfully: Whether you’re speaking face-to-face, talking over the phone, or sending messages back and forth, pay attention so you don’t miss any key points.
Take a beat: Give yourself time to process what your co-parent says, even if it means waiting a while to give your response.
What do you do if your co-parent is being uncooperative?
A lack of cooperation is a huge source of frustration for co-parents and stress for kids. If you’re concerned, the first thing to do is to assess how bad the situation is, then set different rules or consult an attorney.
There are many different levels of being uncooperative, and they require different approaches. It’s helpful to begin by asking yourself a couple of questions:
Number one: Is your ex refusing to co-parent, or just disagreeing? If your fights are similar to your normal fights before you got divorced, that’s fairly normal. Especially in the beginning, your co-parenting relationship will encounter bumps in the road. It’s important to differentiate between growing pains and a truly uncooperative partner.
Number two: Is this a problem across the board, or is it isolated to specific topics? Does your co-parent refuse to engage with parenting time modification requests, for example, but communicates openly about expense reimbursements? Are they actively involved in scheduling holidays, but avoid medical care discussions?
If your co-parent communicates on some topics but not others, consider handling those individual topics in a different way.
For example, if they won’t communicate about the schedule, consider a parenting time calendar designed for just that purpose. If they won’t discuss expenses, try a co-parenting app with a feature for expenses. OurFamilyWizard sends schedule change requests and reimbursement requests without opening up a conversation over messages.
If your co-parent refuses to co-parent across the board or even follow your parenting agreement, it’s time to consult a legal professional.
In general terms, the biggest co-parenting problem is conflict between the parents. In a high-conflict situation, you’ll need to set boundaries. And you could consider parallel parenting, which involves very little communication between you and your co-parent.
Set boundaries in your co-parenting
You are building a new kind of relationship as co-parents, so you might not always know where to draw the line with what you should say or how you should act around each other. Boundaries help you navigate these situations.
One simple boundary is that you both must follow the parenting plan. It gives you something to fall back on. You might want to add additional boundaries, such as limiting how you communicate or share information. For example, you can say that you’ll only communicate through a co-parenting app.
You might also consider emotional boundaries, to maintain your mental health. For instance, don’t ask questions about your co-parent's personal life—and don’t answer their questions about yours.
With clear boundaries in place, you're less likely to run into conflict. If your co-parent cannot follow the parenting plan and stick to your boundaries, don’t let that distract you. If you're concerned about your co-parent's disregard for your boundaries, talk to a legal or mental health professional. They will offer expert guidance to help you navigate the situation.
Consider parallel parenting instead of traditional co-parenting
When parents constantly find themselves wrapped up in very high conflict—they struggle to communicate, and they almost never agree—traditional co-parenting might feel impossible. If this sounds like you, consider a different arrangement, like parallel parenting.
Parallel parenting is a type of co-parenting that lets high-conflict parents maintain their collective parenting responsibilities—while fully disconnecting from each other on a personal level.
Parallel parenting helps parents attain a level of independence while helping to build a framework for healthy boundaries in shared parenting.
In a co-parenting arrangement, parents sometimes work together to make everyday decisions for their children. They might be flexible about how they manage communication.
In a parallel parenting arrangement, on the other hand, parents don’t work together. Instead, they make everyday decisions for their children independently.
Major decisions might still require both parents, like where the child attends school or what type of medical care they receive. But each parent makes the daily decisions when the kids are with that parent. This applies to things like what the kids eat for lunch, what their bedtimes are, or what activities they do on the weekends.
This contrast can be challenging and confusing for the kids, so don’t walk into this arrangement lightly. When their parents’ two homes are incredibly different, kids can experience a lot of stress during transitions, explains a therapist and a parenting coordinator. Still, parallel parenting might the best solution in some situations, because tough transitions are less stressful than witnessing your parents argue bitterly all the time.
Communication rules are usually stricter in a parallel parenting arrangement. Most parallel parents limit their discussions to writing, to reduce direct contact. By limiting direct contact, parallel parenting allows parents to disengage from each other while still raising children in two healthy environments.
Co-parenting is often complex, confusing, frustrating, and even painful. To make even a difficult situation a little easier to handle, focus on the four best practices of co-parenting: prioritize your kids, respect each other, cooperate, and communicate.
Put your kids first
As basic as this rule may seem, it's worth repeating. It’s actually incredibly easy to lose sight of this mantra when you’re wrapped up in the painful conflict with the person you once loved and trusted. But no matter how you may be feeling, prioritize your children and their needs first and foremost. Show your love and support for your kids every day in your words and your actions.
Commit to respect
Your co-parent still plays a central role in your child's life, so treating them with respect is also a way of respecting your child. Children take parental conflict very personally. They might feel like it’s their fault. Or if you say negative things to your co-parent, they might feel like it applies to them too.
You might feel like your co-parent doesn’t deserve respect. But treating them with respect is still the way to go. It’s a huge protective factor for your kids, who may be going through childhood trauma related to the divorce. Plus, if you ever go to court, it looks good if you are the calm parent who communicates respectfully.
Commit to cooperation
Show your children that you and your co-parent are a team working together to do what's best for them. It’s a huge relief to children. Despite your differences, you and your co-parent can demonstrate to your kids that you're in it for them.
Cooperation and compromise are powerful tools in co-parenting, a guardian ad litem explains. They can shield your child from the long-term impacts of a contentious divorce.
Commit to communication
Whether you're actively co-parenting or parallel parenting, you need some level of communication. This means sharing medical information, school and extracurricular schedules, details about significant incidents in your child's daily life, and other critical facts.
These best practices will look different for different families, but they are all important measures to keep in mind as your family moves forward in your co-parenting arrangement. Communication is also crucial for keeping clear co-parenting documentation.
Special Co-Parenting Cases
Co-parenting when you’re in a new relationship—or your co-parent is
No matter how long you’ve been separated or divorced, it can be upsetting when your former partner gets a new partner. It’s also tough to have a new partner but continue seeing and communicating with your former partner.
A new partner entering the lives of your children is a big deal. This person could play a prominent role in their lives, now and into the future. If you feel that your new partner could become a significant part of your child's day-to-day, it's healthy to find a positive way to approach this new mix.
Start by finding the right time and way to introduce your new partner to your children. Inform your co-parent before the introduction. It helps to be transparent—your co-parent is less likely to be offended or concerned if they’re kept in the loop. As painful as it could be to have this conversation with your co-parent, it’s worth it.
Next, find a way to build a working relationship with your co-parent’s new partner, or between your co-parent and your new partner (read the article for suggestions from a family law attorney and mediator).
As your new relationship begins to progress, especially if marriage is on the horizon, look deeper into the topic of blended families to find healthy ways to blend your families.
If you’re concerned about your co-parent’s new partner, that’s tricky. We interviewed a family law attorney, a family therapist, and a mediator, and they recommended learning to distinguish between:
- Neutral flags: Let it go
- Orange flags: Be concerned, but don’t panic
- Red flags: Escalate the situation
For much more guidance on blended families, check out The Interactive Blended Family Blueprint: How-To’s, Checklists, & Worksheets.
Co-parenting a child with autism spectrum disorder (ASD), neurodiversity, or special needs
What if the child’s best interest is complicated? Parenting a neurodiverse child can be difficult on its own, and when you add co-parenting, it can get tricky fast. Divorce often changes a child’s behavior, and that can be especially challenging for these families.
- Find an attorney who understands ASD, neurodiversity, or other special needs. They don’t have to be familiar with your child’s exact condition, but they should be willing to learn about it. They should understand how important it is. And they should ask you questions, like, “Can you tell me about your child?” Or, “How does your child react to change?”
- Ask for a guardian ad litem (GAL) familiar with your child’s diagnosis. The GAL is an attorney for your child, and they investigate the co-parenting situation to determine the child’s best interests.
- Consider making a “Day in the Life” video or log to share with your attorneys, GAL, and other professionals you’re working with. This will help them understand your child’s life in full.
- Keeps days consistent in your co-parenting schedule. Instead of week-on, week-off, or 2-2-5-5, divide it something like this: Sundays, Mondays, and Tuesdays are always with Mom, and Wednesdays through Saturdays are always with Dad. Keeping a consistent schedule can minimize change and maximize predictability.
Long-distance co-parenting
Long-distance co-parenting can be difficult. Follow these guidelines from a conflict resolution specialist, a child and family therapist, a parenting coordinator, and a family law attorney. These tips will help you stay connected to your child when you’re long-distance co-parenting.
- Schedule regular contact: Children thrive on structure and routine. If Dad calls Wednesdays at 7p.m., Dad needs to call every Wednesday right at 7 p.m. This helps your child feel safe and stable.
- Keep your child’s age in mind: Younger kids should have shorter, more frequent conversations with their faraway parent.
- Stay flexible: Always consider the best interests of your child. If your child has a really cool opportunity to go ice skating with a new friend or eat pizza with their soccer team on a Wednesday night, go ahead and reschedule your chat.
- Communicate with your co-parent: Ask specific questions about your child’s life. (If you’re the residential parent, share stuff about your kid’s life. Even if you don’t like talking to your co-parent, these chats are in your child’s best interest.)
- Set a long-distance custody schedule that works for you, your co-parent, and your child (explained by a family law attorney and social worker).
For nine more guidelines, plus six ideas for creative ways to use video calls, read our article on long-distance co-parenting.
Never-married co-parenting
Co-parents who were never married face unique challenges after they separate. We spoke with Katharine Rupp, a family law attorney and never-married co-parent, who suggested this approach:
If you didn’t know each other very well
If you were only together a short time, remind yourself that you’re still getting to know this person, and that’s ok. Set it as a goal: Get to know your co-parent. You’re learning about each other as you also learn about co-parenting. Give yourself and your co-parent grace as you’re managing this dual learning curve.
And think of the silver lining: You don’t have long-term emotional baggage between the two of you.
If you were together a long time
This situation is very similar to divorced co-parenting, except for some legal challenges. For example, if either Mom or Dad thinks Dad isn’t the father, then they have to prove it before the father can share parenting time and responsibility or the mother can receive child support.
Either way
Here are some guidelines that apply whether you knew each other for one night or one decade.
- Accept that you’ll do things differently
- Set clear boundaries—and pick your battles
- Give your co-parent the benefit of the doubt
- Stay calm, even when you’re frustrated or offended
- Build a strong support system
For more strategies, including ways to address specific challenges that never-married parents face, read our article on never-married co-parenting.
Although co-parenting can be hard, there are many great resources available to help you navigate and manage your journey.
The OurFamilyWizard Blog
Our blog provides in-depth, expert guidance on all kinds of co-parenting-related topics.
Family Law and Mental Health Practitioners
Sometimes, working with a professional is the best route to take, especially if you're faced with a question or situation that you just can't solve on your own. Attorneys, guardians ad litem, mediators, parenting coordinators, counselors, therapists, and other family law and mental health practitioners are expert sources of guidance for all kinds of co-parenting-related matters. They can offer ideas specific to your situation, which is hard to find find by reading tips online.
If you are looking to work with a practitioner, check out our Regional Resources Directory to find family law or mental health practitioners in your area.