Talking to Your Children About Divorce
Divorce is something that children usually don’t see coming. If they did, they may not have believed that it would actually happen. It can come as a great shock to children that their mum and dad have decided to stop living together, and it’s hard for parents to know exactly how a child will take the news. While you and your ex-partner understand that this decision is what is best for the family as a whole, you may not feel support coming from your youngest family members right away. This fact may have you so worried that you contemplate staying in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship thinking that it is what is best for your children, but this isn’t a solution. Children are generally very resilient and can adapt well to change. The way that you as a parent approach the situation will play a significant role in your child’s initial reaction and future feelings towards the situation. Through it all, your biggest concern about your child should be their health and overall well-being during this time of transition into a new family mould.
If you’re considering or have decided to divorce, finding the right time to talk to your children about it is a healthy step to take in moving your whole family forward through it. Make sure that you are prepared for the initial conversation. Many children of divorced families never forget this conversation, ever. While you cannot control their reaction, you can at least prepare how you will tell them.
Tell your family when everyone is together. Share the news with everyone at the same time instead of telling your children one at a time. Don’t exclude any member of your immediate family, including your younger children. If you tell one child (perhaps your oldest) first and wait to tell the others, that child now has a secret to keep that comes along with a great load on their shoulders in keeping that secret. Your other children may later feel isolated if they are to find out later.
Make no assumptions. You cannot assume anything about your child’s feelings towards this news. They may have a positive reaction, relieved that the tension between their parents within one household will end. On the other hand, they may react with much anger, anxiety and confusion. It could also be a mix of both support towards your decision and sadness over what they consider to be a loss. Whatever their initial reaction is, let it happen.
Keep your composure, as best you can. This is also not the time to place blame on each other. Display a united front where both parents take responsibility for this decision. While not placing blame on each other, make it very clear to your children that this is not their fault either. Even if you think they already know this, make sure you remind them.
Do it at the right time. Children need to hear a clear, strong message regarding your decision to divorce. An indecisive message could relay something else and confuse your children and make everything much more difficult. Don’t say anything to your children about this until you know with certainty that this is your decision. Also, avoid sharing this news around a time when your children have a special event about to take place. You won’t want to possibly ruin the event by potentially placing extra stress on your child.
Be ready to answer questions. Your children will surely have questions about what happens now. Be ready with answers to questions like what they should expect now, like where they will live, where they will go to school, etc. If they ask why you are choosing to divorce, answer honestly but carefully. Again, this is not the time to place blame upon each other, so don’t get into any specifics. Make it clear that this is a decision you are making together, and it will be best for every member of the family.
Although it may feel unbearable to have this conversation with your children, it is the right thing to do when the right time comes. The apprehension before the conversation may even be the hardest part. This is the first step in moving your family forward into a new chapter.